Dear “Mrs. Theresa Heidi, aging widow of 65 years old,” “Mavis Wanczyk, Powerball Jackpot Lottery winner,” “Mrs. Susan Charles, from America,” and sundry others:

Greetings and God bless all of you, too!

This is to acknowledge receipt of your most kind and generous offers ranging from $1.5 million to $38,980,369.00, along with 9,500,000 British pounds, which I know is also a lot of money.

I accept it all!

What a great blessing it was indeed for you, Ms. Wanczyk, to have won $758 million! And it’s so considerate of you to want to share $5 million of it with me!

Likewise it was thoughtful of you, Mrs. Charles, to suggest that I use half the $4,500,000 you are giving me because you are too critically ill to get to the bank for “humanitarian purposes mostly to orphanages home, motherless babies home, less privileged and disable citizens and widows around the world.”

You can be assured I will do just that.

I also very much appreciate the great difficulties each of you must have gone through to find my email address. It is surprising none of you seem to have been able to find my name, but let’s not quibble.

I also appreciate the additional effort many of you went to by contacting me again and again, after I failed to reply to any of your earlier kind offers. My apologies! You know how life goes! Busy busy!

In any event I hope to rectify my earlier inattention with this humble and sincere response now.

I realize it does not meet with your preferred method, a return email, nor does it include the abundance of information some of you required, including my home address, phone numbers, photo, age and marital status, country I live in, Skype ID, etc.

But if you will please forward my money in a cashier’s check in care of the newspaper you are reading my name in now, I am sure it will find its way to me.

Here’s to our mutual blessings!

However, Ms. Aisha al-Qaddafi, a single mother and a widow with three children, I must decline your offer that I manage $27,500,000 on your behalf. As you are the only biological daughter of late Libyan president, Col. Muammar Qaddafi, I fear that money may not be, strictly speaking, kosher.

Likewise Ms. Ella Golan of the First International Bank of Israel LTD. I appreciate that you have “an extremely important and urgent matter” that you wish to discuss with me. But I saw no mention of “dollars,” “pounds” or “million” in your note, so I will decline your entreaty as well.

And I sympathize with you, Mr. Alaine Kamba, of the Bank of Africa Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso. The eighteen million, three hundred thousand United State of American dollars abandoned in your bank by a customer who died in an airline crash in October 2001 must indeed weigh heavily upon you.

But I believe I can act as next of kin for only one bank customer who died in an airline crash, and the 40 percent you are offering me is not as much as offered by Mr. Rashid Esaka of the Bank of African, whose customer died along with his entire family in a Concorde plane crash in the year 2003 in Paris leaving $30 million. I will get 45 percent of that. You can do the math.

By the way, what a coincidence you are both in Burkina Faso! In fact, more than a few of the offers that have come my way are from your country. You certainly are some generous people! Perhaps I should visit someday. If so, drinks are on me!